Valencia - I Can't See Myself (Getting To Sleep At Night)

I have been having a hard time sleeping at night.

Manfred Mann - Fox on the run

The reason I posted this was on my drive home from work a fox crossed the road in front of my at almost 2am in the morning.

What Could Have Been

I wrote What Could Have Been one day when I was wondering what my birth mother was like when was 17. What is true is tha both my birth parents were 17 when I was born and my birth dad did work in construction. The rest is fiction and cosidering I was born in 1967 I not even sure heavy metal was around then. I still think it's a very powerful piece and I may add more to it at a later date. So without much futher ado I give you:

What Could Have Been

Windows cracked open let in a soothing summer breeze. We talk for hours about this and that including our future plans.We were so young we were that we had no idea that our dreams would turn to dust to be blown about by a not so gentle wind. I remember you wore a black tank top with cut off jean shorts and I wore a pink sundress that I worn so many times before the pink was fading to white. The stereo was blasting something heavy metal that had my mother screaming to turn it down. We laughed at her but turned it down anyway. I don't think smoking pot back then was the reason those days are so blurred together. I think it was that we were young and trying to live life faster than the speed of light. The faster you run away from yourself the sooner you face a stranger in the mirror. The stranger staring at me that summer was holding an positive EPT. You swore that you would be there for me and support me to the end. But promises like that are hard to keep when friends offer a chance to escape to a place where there are no pregnant girlfriends with babies on the way. At seventeen who wants to be a dad anyway. You like fast cars and fast girls but that takes money, lots of money. So I should not have been surprised when you took that construction job out of state that your dad offered you. My heart broke into a thousand pieces until I couldn't tell if it was from missing you or from wanting somewhere to run away from all that I was and all that I feared I would be. I heard the names that the other girls called not so far behind my back. Labels have a way of sticking with you no matter how hard you try to rip them off. Summer turned to Autumn then to Winter and on the coldest day of the year our baby was born. They told me it was a girl and she would probably survive even though she came six weeks premature. I had already signed the adoption papers so I never got to see her or hold in my arms. better that way I guess that you don't know really what you have lost. After several weeks I was healed enough to go any where and get out of this place to somewhere where people don't know me. Where I could spin any tale about my past and no one would know any different. Instead I stayed here perhaps hoping one you would come back or perhaps I was so tangled up in ribbons of dreams ripped apart that going away was never really a choice at all.

I Did It!

Wow! What a total thrill. I read 9 of my poems and 2 of my songs on KOPN 98.5 FM here in Columbia, Missouri. I never have done a poetry reading before ever in my life. My parents in Michigan were able to hear me over the internet and they called me to tell how proud they were of me. As I walked down the steps from the radio station I kept saying to myself "I did it. I really did it." I was so happy I laughed and cried. What a wonderful day.

You Remain Unforgiven (song)

Funny how you think an email after all these years
Would makeup for all the ways you made me hurt.
Sorry doesn't cut it for me or stop the tears,
And I still wish you were six feet under dirt.
But what you did to me was nothing.
But what you did to me was nothing.
Like what you did to the children.
Oh my God what you did to the children.

I hate you today just as much
As I hated you back then.
I will never forgive you
Or absolve you of your sins.
I don't feel bad that
You don't like your life.
I don't care at all that
You don't love your wife.
You earned all the pain
So I could really care less.
That you feel like your
Life is such a f***ing mess.

Funny how you think that you could undo the wrong,
And come back into my life as nothing happen,
By sending words to a Cheryl Crow, Kidd Rock song.
But us together again ain't going to happen.
But what you did to me was nothing.
But what you did to me was nothing.
Like what you did to the children.
Oh my God what you did to the children.

I hate you today just as much
As I hated you back then.
I will never forgive you
Or absolve you of your sins.
I don't feel bad that
You don't like your life.
I don't care at all that
You don't love your wife.
You earned all the pain
So I could really care less.
That you feel like your
Life is such a f***ing mess.

I hate you today just as much
But what you did to me was nothing.
As I hated you back then.
But what you did to me was nothing.
I will never forgive you
But what you did to me was nothing.
Or absolve you of your sins.
But what you did to me was nothing.
I don't feel bad that
But what you did to me was nothing.
You don't like your life.
But what you did to me was nothing.
I don't care at all that
But what you did to me was nothing.
You don't love your wife.
But what you did to me was nothing.
You earned all the pain
Like what you did to the children.
So I could really care less.
Like what you did to the children.
That you feel like your
Like what you did to the children.
Life is such a f***ing mess.
Oh my God what you did to the children.

Sliding Back Into Insanity (Song)

It's the middle of the night
But I am awake like it's high noon.
I can't hear a sound because
Silent sirens are filling up the room.
All the drugs I take to turn me off
At night fail to flip down the switch.
A shadow figure passes by me,
I give the finger to the son of a b***h.

I held it together as long as I could.
But now I am sliding back into insanity
I'm on a dark horse at full gallop.
And now I am riding back into insanity.

My thoughts go around and around.
They just will not, can not do not go away.
My reality is tilted and spinning.
I try to grab on: it starts to decay.
My hearts pounds hard against my chest.
I scream out loud to get back my breath.
It is as hot as hell in my heart.
But I feel as if I'm cold as death.

I held it together as long as I could.
But now I am sliding back into insanity.
I'm on a dark horse at full gallop.
And now I am riding back into insanity.

Promises Broken (Song)

Sometimes the magician gets caught up into the illusion.
Conjuring the truth and the lies into blinding fusion.
When reality gets to be more than you can ever stand.
Your mind deceives you with a mental slight of hand.

Chorus:
I really meant to keep promises in my heart.
But I turned self-deception into a form of art.
I wish I could take back words that were spoken.
And cast a spell to fix the promises broken.

Sometimes the writer believes the written words on the page.
Only reading between the lines can you see the hidden rage.
Just wanting to live out the happily ever after fantasy;
You can't get the words to rhyme together in this reality.

Chorus:
I really meant to keep promises in my heart.
But I turned self-deception into a form of art.
I wish I could take back words that were spoken.
And rewrite the story of promises broken.

Sometimes the musician lives the song and the music.
No matter how much you play you just can't get the lick.
Out of tune and rhythm off; a ballad that's gone bad.
The truth of the blues is you lost what you once had.

Chorus:
I really meant to keep promises in my heart.
But I turned self-deception into a form of art.
I wish I could take back words that were spoken.
And sing a song of promises not broken.

Read on the radio at KOPN 98.5 FM on March 28th, 2010.