The Doorway

I stand in the doorway.
"Save me!" you cry.
I reply, "I can't".
In a voice so bitter
you tell me you want to die.
To me you've been dead inside for years.
I'm between two worlds in the doorway.
I tell you that I'm sorry.
"I have save myself" I say softly.
"Go then," you tell me before
You take another drink of Vodka.
I turn from the darkness,
Close the door,
And walk into the light.

Blog Update: I'm not dead yet.

It's been a couple of months since I blogged. The list of things that has happen to me over the past couple of months starts with my computer hard drive crashing and ends with the transmission hose in my car leaking out all the transmission fluid. In between I've had to get new tires for my car, get my tooth pulled, had a sinus infection and strep throat. My has been computer repaired, my car has been repaired and hopefully I done for awhile with being sick. Not everything has been bad. I've joined the Columbia Writers Guild and I am volunteering at KOPN 89.5 FM here in Columbia.

Michigan Waterfalls

Mike & The Mechanics - Silent running

Sorry that I have been quick to post a video but slow to write a note why I selected this particular song. For a decade various parts of his song have been stuck in my brain but I could never remember enough to find it on the internet until yesterday.

Valencia - I Can't See Myself (Getting To Sleep At Night)

I have been having a hard time sleeping at night.

Manfred Mann - Fox on the run

The reason I posted this was on my drive home from work a fox crossed the road in front of my at almost 2am in the morning.

What Could Have Been

I wrote What Could Have Been one day when I was wondering what my birth mother was like when was 17. What is true is tha both my birth parents were 17 when I was born and my birth dad did work in construction. The rest is fiction and cosidering I was born in 1967 I not even sure heavy metal was around then. I still think it's a very powerful piece and I may add more to it at a later date. So without much futher ado I give you:

What Could Have Been

Windows cracked open let in a soothing summer breeze. We talk for hours about this and that including our future plans.We were so young we were that we had no idea that our dreams would turn to dust to be blown about by a not so gentle wind. I remember you wore a black tank top with cut off jean shorts and I wore a pink sundress that I worn so many times before the pink was fading to white. The stereo was blasting something heavy metal that had my mother screaming to turn it down. We laughed at her but turned it down anyway. I don't think smoking pot back then was the reason those days are so blurred together. I think it was that we were young and trying to live life faster than the speed of light. The faster you run away from yourself the sooner you face a stranger in the mirror. The stranger staring at me that summer was holding an positive EPT. You swore that you would be there for me and support me to the end. But promises like that are hard to keep when friends offer a chance to escape to a place where there are no pregnant girlfriends with babies on the way. At seventeen who wants to be a dad anyway. You like fast cars and fast girls but that takes money, lots of money. So I should not have been surprised when you took that construction job out of state that your dad offered you. My heart broke into a thousand pieces until I couldn't tell if it was from missing you or from wanting somewhere to run away from all that I was and all that I feared I would be. I heard the names that the other girls called not so far behind my back. Labels have a way of sticking with you no matter how hard you try to rip them off. Summer turned to Autumn then to Winter and on the coldest day of the year our baby was born. They told me it was a girl and she would probably survive even though she came six weeks premature. I had already signed the adoption papers so I never got to see her or hold in my arms. better that way I guess that you don't know really what you have lost. After several weeks I was healed enough to go any where and get out of this place to somewhere where people don't know me. Where I could spin any tale about my past and no one would know any different. Instead I stayed here perhaps hoping one you would come back or perhaps I was so tangled up in ribbons of dreams ripped apart that going away was never really a choice at all.

I Did It!

Wow! What a total thrill. I read 9 of my poems and 2 of my songs on KOPN 98.5 FM here in Columbia, Missouri. I never have done a poetry reading before ever in my life. My parents in Michigan were able to hear me over the internet and they called me to tell how proud they were of me. As I walked down the steps from the radio station I kept saying to myself "I did it. I really did it." I was so happy I laughed and cried. What a wonderful day.

You Remain Unforgiven (song)

Funny how you think an email after all these years
Would makeup for all the ways you made me hurt.
Sorry doesn't cut it for me or stop the tears,
And I still wish you were six feet under dirt.
But what you did to me was nothing.
But what you did to me was nothing.
Like what you did to the children.
Oh my God what you did to the children.

I hate you today just as much
As I hated you back then.
I will never forgive you
Or absolve you of your sins.
I don't feel bad that
You don't like your life.
I don't care at all that
You don't love your wife.
You earned all the pain
So I could really care less.
That you feel like your
Life is such a f***ing mess.

Funny how you think that you could undo the wrong,
And come back into my life as nothing happen,
By sending words to a Cheryl Crow, Kidd Rock song.
But us together again ain't going to happen.
But what you did to me was nothing.
But what you did to me was nothing.
Like what you did to the children.
Oh my God what you did to the children.

I hate you today just as much
As I hated you back then.
I will never forgive you
Or absolve you of your sins.
I don't feel bad that
You don't like your life.
I don't care at all that
You don't love your wife.
You earned all the pain
So I could really care less.
That you feel like your
Life is such a f***ing mess.

I hate you today just as much
But what you did to me was nothing.
As I hated you back then.
But what you did to me was nothing.
I will never forgive you
But what you did to me was nothing.
Or absolve you of your sins.
But what you did to me was nothing.
I don't feel bad that
But what you did to me was nothing.
You don't like your life.
But what you did to me was nothing.
I don't care at all that
But what you did to me was nothing.
You don't love your wife.
But what you did to me was nothing.
You earned all the pain
Like what you did to the children.
So I could really care less.
Like what you did to the children.
That you feel like your
Like what you did to the children.
Life is such a f***ing mess.
Oh my God what you did to the children.

Sliding Back Into Insanity (Song)

It's the middle of the night
But I am awake like it's high noon.
I can't hear a sound because
Silent sirens are filling up the room.
All the drugs I take to turn me off
At night fail to flip down the switch.
A shadow figure passes by me,
I give the finger to the son of a b***h.

I held it together as long as I could.
But now I am sliding back into insanity
I'm on a dark horse at full gallop.
And now I am riding back into insanity.

My thoughts go around and around.
They just will not, can not do not go away.
My reality is tilted and spinning.
I try to grab on: it starts to decay.
My hearts pounds hard against my chest.
I scream out loud to get back my breath.
It is as hot as hell in my heart.
But I feel as if I'm cold as death.

I held it together as long as I could.
But now I am sliding back into insanity.
I'm on a dark horse at full gallop.
And now I am riding back into insanity.

Promises Broken (Song)

Sometimes the magician gets caught up into the illusion.
Conjuring the truth and the lies into blinding fusion.
When reality gets to be more than you can ever stand.
Your mind deceives you with a mental slight of hand.

Chorus:
I really meant to keep promises in my heart.
But I turned self-deception into a form of art.
I wish I could take back words that were spoken.
And cast a spell to fix the promises broken.

Sometimes the writer believes the written words on the page.
Only reading between the lines can you see the hidden rage.
Just wanting to live out the happily ever after fantasy;
You can't get the words to rhyme together in this reality.

Chorus:
I really meant to keep promises in my heart.
But I turned self-deception into a form of art.
I wish I could take back words that were spoken.
And rewrite the story of promises broken.

Sometimes the musician lives the song and the music.
No matter how much you play you just can't get the lick.
Out of tune and rhythm off; a ballad that's gone bad.
The truth of the blues is you lost what you once had.

Chorus:
I really meant to keep promises in my heart.
But I turned self-deception into a form of art.
I wish I could take back words that were spoken.
And sing a song of promises not broken.

Read on the radio at KOPN 98.5 FM on March 28th, 2010.

Where Are The Snows Of Yesterday

It was building igloos in the backyard,
Filling up the car with sleds to go to the park,
Ducking snowballs flying through the air,
Drinking hot chocolate to warm up and then
Going back outside to get covered in snow again.

It was celebrating birthdays in December,
Opening presents on Christmas,
Kissing the first time in falling snow,
Hiking in the woods with snow boats and
Skiing cross county on the campus grounds.

It was moving away from home,
Learning to drive on icy roads,
Marrying the wrong guy in the wrong month,
Bundling babies up to keep them warm and
Going out in the cold at night for diapers.

It was sitting in night court to keep warm,
Sleeping in different homeless shelters,
Lighting up a Coleman heater in a van,
Reading in a library with no where to go and
Praying for warmer weather and something to eat.

It was sitting in a house without any heat,
Begging for money to pay the utility bill,
Trying bury your pet in frozen ground,
Saying good bye to your family forever, and
Being all alone on the holidays.

It was dreaming of igloos in the backyard,
Filling up the car with sleds to go to the park,
Ducking snowballs flying through the air,
Drinking hot chocolate to warm up and then
Going back outside to get covered in snow again.

Read on the radio at KOPN 98.5 FM on March 28th, 2010.

Time Travel

It's 2:18 in the afternoon
Says the clock on the living room wall.
As I sit on my deck daydreaming
About nothing and sipping sweet tea.
I watch two boys riding bikes on the road.
Their laughter floats up to me;
The music of summer and youth.
A little later couple walks by
Holding hands like new lovers.
A bee hovers over the sweet tea
As the sun moves lower in the sky.
It's 2:18 in the afternoon
Says the clock on the living room wall.
A bus stops letting off the children
Who have been attending summer school.
Slowly driveways empty all day fill up
With cars and their drivers hurry inside
Out of the heat and start to prepare dinner.
The phone rings and summons me inside.
It is my supervisor informing me that I am late.
I hurry to change into my uniform.
I was suppose to be there at 5:00 pm.
It's 2:18 in the afternoon
Says the clock on the living room wall.

Read on the radio at KOPN 98.5 FM on March 28th, 2010.

Step 6

Without my defects who would I be?
For I am them and they are me.
Without them what would fill the void.
Wouldn't myself be destroyed?
My emotional brain says hat God Would take care,
Bu my logical brain warns me to beware.
Self preservation is the strongest urge.
My defects I am not sure I could purge.
Without my defects what is it I would see?
Would I know who it was looking back at me?

Read on the radio at KOPN 98.5 FM on March 28th, 2010.

Soul Connection

The love between us
People can't understand.
Why we even bother
A lesbian and gay man.

All the confusion
That we put people in.
They try to figure out
If we are living in sin.

More than physical
Our very unique relation.
Minds, hearts united
Form our soul connection.

Miss Adventure

I moved from the city to the country.
Much to the dismay of my lover
and her inner Zsa Zsa Gabor.
In my mind I was the
Duchess of Boone County.
Straighting the curves,
Flatting the hills
And would have slept
With Catherine Bach,
As if I had half a chance.
I drove home from doing laundry
and decided to do a little road trip.
I took Creasy Springs to Mauller Road.
Instead of turning down Moberly Drive
And taking my tired ass home
I went down to the stop sign,
Across V V, to see how far Mauller
Went in the other direction.
It went far enough for me to
Dodge the rabbit, hit the cat,
Hear the thud of roadkill,
And realize the road turned
Into someones driveway.
It was an orange tabby
That was chasing the rabbit.
I looked in the rear view mirror
And saw something crossing the road.
It must have been the cat
Because I didn't see no body
After I turned around to go back.
(If I had bothered to read my map
I would have known the road only
Went about two city blocks.)
At this point most people would have quit.
Not me.
I decided to go back on V V
And drive down to Akeman Bridge Road.
I wanted to see Akeman Bridge;
I had visions of a romantic covered bridge
Worthy of being immortalized in a poem.
Akeman Bridge Road starts off paved
And then turns into a dirt road.
The dirt part is where I ran into more problems.
The right side of the road had a two foot deep ditch.
The left side had an oncoming cattle truck.
I hit a pot hole,over steered and skidded
In front of said oncoming truck.
I managed to steer back right
Not get hit by the cattle truck
And I didn't go into ditch.
(That cattle truck went by so fast
I never did see any cows in there
But the adrenaline rush might
Have fogged my vision.)
At this point most people would have quit.
Not me.
I went on down Akeman Road,
Past the 90 degree turn,
Past the sign that said
Dangerous Hillside Road Ahead,
All the way until I was
Going up a very steep hill,
Crossing a slab of concrete,
That was over Perche Creek.
It might have been Akeman Bride.
It was about then my fear of heights kicked in
And I lost my balls.
( I never let the fact that I wasn't
actually born with a set of testicles
Ever slow me down, but my
Imaginary brass ones disappeared so fast
I felt the Whoosh of air between my legs.)
At this point most people would have quit.
Not me.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to go back over
The concrete slab on the side of the hill.
I drove on until I came to E and pulled over
It was at this point that I got out the map
and realized that Mauller Road only went
Two city blocks once you cross V V.
I decided to Dike up and turn around
And go back the way I came with
One little modification.
I decided to take Akeman to Oneal Road,
Then turn left onto Fenton Road.
I'm from Fenton, Michigan and I was
Hoping some home town voodoo magic would help.
Because this trip sure as hell felt cursed.
So I went back over the concrete slab,
(I refuse to call it a bridge.)
Up and down dangerous hillside,
Past 90 degree angle,
And took a right onto Oneal Road.
I was doing good and happy with myself
That I missed hitting two rabbits.
Then I hit total darkness.
The tree branches interlaced with each other
And blocked out most of the sunlight.
(I concentrated really hard at my driving
Because {And I don't think I'm over imaging anything}
I was ready for the trees to start throwing apples,
The wicked witch to fly over head,
Dorthy and the scarecrow to come walking down the road
And with my luck I would have ran over Toto.)
At this point most people would have quit.
Not me.
Mostly because there was no where to turn around.
I stayed on Oneal until I came to Fenton Road.
I turned left on Fenton Road.
Drove past Sycamore Hills.
Not that I give a damn where Sycamore Hills are located,
But just in case anyone asks I can give directions.
Fenton Road comes out at Creasy Springs.
I went left on Creasy Springs,
Right on Mauller Road,
Then left onto Moberly Drive
and down all the way to my parking spot.
It was at this point I decided to quit.
Until next time.

Anna Ruth Roe (c) 2009

Speed Of Life

I am running late to work and the car is almost out of gas.
The bills are past due, there is not enough money to make it last.
My clothes need washing, the dishes aren't done and my hair is tangled mess.
I'm always running around, trying to catch up I never seem to get any rest.
I try to slow down,to enjoy the day, but the world goes by so fast.
I try to catch my breath and to hold on to the moment to make it last.
But I have God, faith, and prayers to hold me through times of strife.
And an angel watching when I try to go faster than the speed of life.

Self Destruction

I can feel the anger coming from you as you walk by.
I want to help you, but I now better than to try.
Like a wounded animal in pain, you lash out to try to hurt me.
And I know it is coming as I hold my breath to wait and see.
It's the same old cycle. The same old merry-go-round.
Your actions speak volumes even if you do not make a sound.
When you wake up and look around at all the mess you made.
Can you tell me truthfully was it worth the price you paid?
You want to hurt the ones that you love before they hurt you.
But, you're going to end up all alone before you're through.
You tell me that you are so sorry when you are sober and clean.
But that doesn't undo the damage when you are drunk and mean.
Somethings can't be taken back once they have begun.
Self destruction begins in 5...4...3...2...1.

Read on the radio at KOPN 98.5 FM on March 28th, 2010.

Self Prophecy Man

So what has happen to you Self Prophecy Man?

Was this what you wanted, part of your plan?

Your dreams were big enough to reach the stars.

Now you're watching them fade behind jail house bars.

Your so afraid of dying in the streets all alone.

But you push everyone away from you in your home.

Hope cut to pieces: one quick stab from your knife.

Can you live with that for the rest of your life?
Was that what you wanted, part of your plan?
So what has happen to you Self Prophecy Man?

Flame On

From love's dying embers, rose a wisp of smoke.
Slowly fanned from the within, a flame grew.
Carefully I sheltered it inside my bitter soul,
As it turned into a blazing fire, strong and true.
Righteous indignation heated my cold hate;
It changed my spirit, and lit my whole being.
I drew my strength from its burning caress,
From head to toe a feverish heat I was feeling.
With each day I grow stronger and stronger.
Do not be fooled, I will look you in the eye:
With a voice you never heard before, you will know.
"You may have lit an arson pyre, but I did not die.
You have turned me into a phoenix, bright, reborn!"
If you realize what you've started, you will not tell.
Brave Marine, can you rally round 'Simper Fi' in hell?

I've Been Searching

I've been searching, seeking for something I can't find.
Looking for something that I can see inside of my mind.
I've been wanting, yearning for something I can't get.
All the time I've been pursuing, I don't have it yet.
I just keep going on and on with my unending quest.
I'm so very tired and lost but I just can't rest.
There is only one thing that could help me so far.
If I just could find the ever loving keys to the car.

Read on the radio at KOPN 98.5 FM on March 28th, 2010.

Burning Bridges

I have seen you burn your bridges
And cut ties with family and friends.
I have watched you light your life's candle,
Making sure it was lit at both ends.
I have witnessed your dreams and plans
Dissolve like castles in the sand.
I did not see the fire you lit
Under the bridge on which we stand.
Things said in a burst of anger
Doesn't mean this is how it ends.
If you want we can build another
Bridge to stand on to make our amends.

Bitter Tears

Millions of bitter tears fill up my heart.
One for every second we are apart.
I am drowning in their salt filled sorrow.
Will we ever met in the 'marrow?
The seconds of the days speed by so fast.
The pain in my heart seems to forever last.
Lost was I before you first went away.
Lost still am I, lost to this very day.
My hope is fading, turning to darkness.
My head goes in circles in all this mess.
When will my love come home and end my strife?
I miss you my darling beautiful wife.

Wisdom Of A Tree

If you have read quotes of wisdom from great thinkers of fame,
From Buddha, Confucius, Mohamed, Jesus to Mark Twain.
Have you ever considered to heed the wisdom of a tree.
The ability that when seasons turn hard; cold to set free
The unnecessities of life but to hold and keep the core.
Managing to only save the barest minimum in store.
Waiting for seasons to change again and breezes to blow warm.
'Til strong enough to branch out renewed to withstand life's storm.

No Pain, No Gain

Sometimes people comment about my poems being born from such personal tragedy.
But the way I look at it is that, my writing is cheaper than psychotherapy.
I write through my sadness, the tears and the fears, to process the grief.
Because from happiness and joy, the laughter and smiles, I need no relief.
Please do not feel sorry for me, just know that I am doing OK.
Life's lessons can come hard or easy, what I learn is here to stay.

Read on the radio at KOPN 98.5 FM on March 28th, 2010.

Life Living Me

Days flow into nights, and nights into days.
The sun follows the moon, lighting the ways
Time has passed and slipped through my hands.
Hourglass broken lets loose timeless sands.
What I have built up has become undone.
I have lost more than I have ever won.
Thinking I was living life, I didn't see.
That all this time life was living me.

Jaded

I tried to be the good daughter.
I tried to be the good wife.
I tried to be the good mother.
I tried to be the good christian.
Over and over again I failed.
Down on my knees crying for help,
My prayers were never hailed.
Now that all my hope has faded.
My dreams lay dead in their grave.
Is it any wonder why I'm so jaded.

Across The Threshold

There is a place; a threshold.
Where pain mixes with pleasure.
Where violence and seduction,
Blend sweetly into each other.
Where gift of submission,
Is freely given to domination.
Things change at the threshold.
The softest caress is unwanted
And the hardest slap begged for.
Where the surrender to bondage
Releases suppressed desire.
I wait to find a lover who will
Take me across the threshold.

Dangerous Times Are A Comin'

In the news the rumors are a flyin'
About death, destruction and gore.
As we watch soldiers are a dyin"
Fightin' in the Iraq war.

Across the land people are a prayin'
In their homes and churches.
That the Grim Reaper will be a stayin'
In the lair where he perches.

Dangerous times are a comin'
You can feel it in the air.
And the wind is a howlin'
With the sound of people in despair.

And the swine flu is a bringin'
A plague upon our land.
Cries of "the end is near" is ringin'
As 2012 draws close to hand.

The Earth has been a quakin'
Giving the unbelivers a sense of doom.
Will 'The Spirit of Man' start wakin'
Or will the hope of mankind be in tombed.

Yes dangerous times are a comin',
You can feel it in the air.
And the wind is a howlin'
With the sound of people in despair.


Authors Note:
The poem is based on a conversation I over heard at work and not necessarily my personal beliefs.

Discord

A, D and E.
Three chords
That I taught
Myself to play
Over and over
Again. Teaching
My fingers memory
Of positions and
Of rhythms.

A, D and E.
My Mantra
My song and
My comfort
While you were gone.
The guitar felt
good in my hands.
My fingers touching
Where yours once played.

A, D and E.
Then you
Came home.
Larger than life.
I felt so small.
I never played
You my little
Three chord song.
You were gone again.

A, D and E.
Three chords
Silent now.
I held the
Smashed pieces
Cradled in my lap.
Until then I
Didn't realize how
You broke my heart.

Wow, it's been awhile since I have blogged. I have looked back over some of the things that I have written and I can't belive how much I have changed. I am no longer with Daniel/Danielle who was the subject of many of my poems. I have decided that 2010 is the year of ME. I am going to decide who I want to be when I grow up and how to make that happen. My two main goals this year are to 1. Learn to play the guitar and 2. Go back to collage. I've already started on goal number 1 and working on goal number 2.